It finally happened. Something had to give and it happened to be me. I am currently signed off work with stress.
At the moment the thought of returning to work makes me want to hide and/or burst into tears. If I think about work for too long it makes me feel physically shaky. I have been told it could take up to 6 weeks for the anti-anxiety medication I have been prescribed to take full effect. I have done my best to make sure I don't just hide at home during this time and have I tried to go out somewhere almost every day. The trouble is my job is following me around.
Yesterday I bumped into a lovely neighbour who, knowing I was off work, asked how I was and then asked "You will be going back though won't you?". I also saw the parent of someone I went to school with. She asked why I wasn't at work and was extremely sympathetic when I explained, but she also followed it with, "But you'll be going back after Christmas won't you?" To both these people I said "Yes", but the truth is I have no idea. At the moment I can't face it and I definitely can't go back to things as they were but I also now feel a little pressure to go back to work, this is obviously what people are expecting.
Today my bubbly friend came to pick me up and take me out for lunch for a girly chat and relax. We went to a quiet pub near to my house and a long way away from where I work. It should have been lovely but it was neither lovely nor relaxing. Whilst there I was spotted by a parent of a child in my class who knows I am off sick but does not know why. She did not speak to me or ask how I was but did send her partner round to the table my friend and I were at to look and see if it was me. Within 10 minutes of her leaving I had a phone call from my Headteacher, checking in with me to see how I am and how I was spending my time. I'd like to believe this is a coincidence but I know it isn't. I'm also certain that the rumour mill that I already know exists outside the classroom door at the beginning and end of the day will have been in overdrive this afternoon.
A big part of my problem is that my job has taken over my whole life and now, even when I am officially signed off work by my doctor, there is still no escape. I'm very worried that all the parents will now think I'm skiving and I feel guilty for going out with my friend. She was great and said that they need to understand that some illnesses you can't see and just because you're not in bed doesn't mean you're not ill. I know she is right but I also know that the parents won't see it that way.
Wednesday 5 December 2012
Friday 20 July 2012
I made it
Well here I am at the end of term. The school year is over and I made it. My first year in a new year group is complete and I am still standing - just.
This year has been an enormous challenge and I am proud of myself for rising to it. I have found this year extremely difficult, with everything being new and so much to learn both in my new curriculum and in strategies for working with older children.
I confess that there has not been a single minute of this year that I have felt on top of things and mostly I have been paddling furiously from one task to the next hoping to reach it before I went under. I have made many many mistakes which hopefully I have learned from and next year will not make. I have tried new strategies - some of which have been successful, some have not and some have worked some of the time but not always. I have learned lots about many topics but realise I have lots more still to learn.
I'm in the same year group again next year and I'm hoping it will be easier as at least I'll know where to begin and have some knowledge of what and how I should be teaching.
I am completely exhausted.
But I made it!
This year has been an enormous challenge and I am proud of myself for rising to it. I have found this year extremely difficult, with everything being new and so much to learn both in my new curriculum and in strategies for working with older children.
I confess that there has not been a single minute of this year that I have felt on top of things and mostly I have been paddling furiously from one task to the next hoping to reach it before I went under. I have made many many mistakes which hopefully I have learned from and next year will not make. I have tried new strategies - some of which have been successful, some have not and some have worked some of the time but not always. I have learned lots about many topics but realise I have lots more still to learn.
I'm in the same year group again next year and I'm hoping it will be easier as at least I'll know where to begin and have some knowledge of what and how I should be teaching.
I am completely exhausted.
But I made it!
Thursday 19 July 2012
Mixed feelings
Yesterday I learned that The Photographer and his partner are expecting a baby in October. I am so pleased for them and wish them every happiness. I am certain he will be a fabulous father.
I congratulate them and I wish the very best for them. I am pleased he has moved on and that things are going well for him both in his personal and professional life. I truly hope he has found everything he was looking for. I wish I could congratulate him in person and let him know I wish them well.
Perhaps I will now lose some of the guilt and worry I have carried for such a long time over the breakdown of our relationship. I have a terrible, overwhelming need to "put things right", to apologise and know I have been forgiven. Don't get me wrong - neither of us did anything awful to each other. No one cheated or lied. It stopped working for lots of little reasons that added up to big ones but it ended in a very awkward and uncomfortable way and I know I caused a lot of hurt, as did he.
In my job I expect my class to apologise sincerely when they have hurt or upset someone. I ask the hurt party to forgive and expect that they will. I ask this because it is the right thing to do and it allows everyone to feel better and move on. Holding a grudge never helps anyone. The one who has hurt needs this process as much as the one who was hurt. I need it too. I apologised. He was, at that time, too hurt to accept or forgive (which I fully understood) and has not spoken to me since. I have been erased from his life very deliberately - I was told he would do this for "a clean break". So the circle of apology, forgiveness and moving on for me has never quite been completed. I needed to know he was ok. I needed to know he was no longer hurting. I needed my apology to be accepted.
It seems now he is ok and is no longer hurting and that I will never know if my apology was accepted or if I have been forgiven. I am pleased for him but I also feel a huge emptiness. Parting ways was the right thing to do and I do not regret it, only the way in which it happened.
I feel now, more than ever, that my life has not moved on. I am in exactly the same place I was when we parted. I feel stuck and, if I am very honest, more than a little jealous. I want a family too. I am genuinely happy for him, but feel sad and empty all at the same time and I really don't know how I should react to that.
I congratulate them and I wish the very best for them. I am pleased he has moved on and that things are going well for him both in his personal and professional life. I truly hope he has found everything he was looking for. I wish I could congratulate him in person and let him know I wish them well.
Perhaps I will now lose some of the guilt and worry I have carried for such a long time over the breakdown of our relationship. I have a terrible, overwhelming need to "put things right", to apologise and know I have been forgiven. Don't get me wrong - neither of us did anything awful to each other. No one cheated or lied. It stopped working for lots of little reasons that added up to big ones but it ended in a very awkward and uncomfortable way and I know I caused a lot of hurt, as did he.
In my job I expect my class to apologise sincerely when they have hurt or upset someone. I ask the hurt party to forgive and expect that they will. I ask this because it is the right thing to do and it allows everyone to feel better and move on. Holding a grudge never helps anyone. The one who has hurt needs this process as much as the one who was hurt. I need it too. I apologised. He was, at that time, too hurt to accept or forgive (which I fully understood) and has not spoken to me since. I have been erased from his life very deliberately - I was told he would do this for "a clean break". So the circle of apology, forgiveness and moving on for me has never quite been completed. I needed to know he was ok. I needed to know he was no longer hurting. I needed my apology to be accepted.
It seems now he is ok and is no longer hurting and that I will never know if my apology was accepted or if I have been forgiven. I am pleased for him but I also feel a huge emptiness. Parting ways was the right thing to do and I do not regret it, only the way in which it happened.
I feel now, more than ever, that my life has not moved on. I am in exactly the same place I was when we parted. I feel stuck and, if I am very honest, more than a little jealous. I want a family too. I am genuinely happy for him, but feel sad and empty all at the same time and I really don't know how I should react to that.
Wednesday 13 June 2012
Beautiful Beliefs 3
I believe ...
life is better when you laugh.
I like laughing. All kinds from a small giggle, to a loud chuckle, right through to an enormous heart warming, shoulder shaking, uncontrollable laugh when you find it hard to catch your breath and your face aches. It makes me feel good and brightens my day.
Lots of things make me laugh. When something funny takes me by surprise, Remembering fun I've had with my friends. Rewatching sitcoms I have seen many times and laughing with anticipation for what I know is coming next. Seeing comedians live on stage or on tv. Giggling over a private joke with a friend. Walking into the wind on a blustery day. Watching the waggiest dog in the world do his little hopeful dance whilst waiting to go for a walk or get a treat. Just a few small insights and by no means an exhaustive list.
I like hearing others genuinely laugh out loud, it makes me smile. Sometimes their laugh makes me laugh. I don't need to know what is funny, I feel privileged that I have been able to share a little of their joy.
A few weeks ago there was a minor yoghurt explosion in my class at school. A boy had a yoghurt tube that was proving to be difficult to open. With great effort he managed to prize the top off and in the process squirted the yoghurt, with great force, out of the tube and all over his face and clothes. I have taught many children who would have been deeply upset or embarrassed by this. He was not. He laughed. He laughed very loudly. His friends laughed. I laughed. He didn't mind at all. He just found it all incredibly funny and rightly so. He still giggles when we mention the exploding yoghurt incident and his reaction to it still makes me smile.
I saw a programme a year or so ago that said on average children laugh up to 300 times a day. By the time we are adults with busy lives, jobs and other responsibilities we laugh on average a measly 15 times a day. I think it is high time we rejoined the children and see the funny side of life.
Laugh. It is joyful and it is allowed!
(This post is linked to Amy Palko's Beautiful Beliefs Project)
Wednesday 6 June 2012
A Smile
Today I was reading some of my earlier posts and discovered I had mentioned one of my favourite poems and said I might post it at a later date. Here it is.
Smiling is infectious,
You catch it like the flu.
When someone smiled at me today
I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner
And someone saw my grin,
When he smiled I realised
I'd passed it on to him!
I thought about that smile
and then I realised it's worth,
A little smile, just like mine,
Could travel round the earth!
So if you feel a smile begin
Don't leave it undetected.
Let's start an epidemic quick
and get the world infected!
Anon
Happy smiling everybody!
Smiling is infectious,
You catch it like the flu.
When someone smiled at me today
I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner
And someone saw my grin,
When he smiled I realised
I'd passed it on to him!
I thought about that smile
and then I realised it's worth,
A little smile, just like mine,
Could travel round the earth!
So if you feel a smile begin
Don't leave it undetected.
Let's start an epidemic quick
and get the world infected!
Anon
Happy smiling everybody!
Beautiful Beliefs 2
I believe that children need good role models. (Part 1)
I often worry about children growing up now. No, this does not apply to every child in every situation but to many and often.
As a child I feel had excellent role models and I felt safe and protected at home and throughout my primary and secondary school years. I was spoken to and treated kindly and fairly and even when in trouble (which didn't happen often) I knew I was loved. Respect was earned, given and received by all. I fear this is not now the case. It is, I suppose, possible that this has always been true and that I only notice it now.
Today, as I walked the waggiest dog in the world, I found myself appalled by the conversation of the people walking behind me. In the two or three sentences I overheard there were at least 7 swear words. I wondered, "Can't you see there are children playing round here or do you simply not care?" As I turned the corner I looked over my shoulder to see the culprits and was horrified to discover that these were children. Around the age of 10 or 11 I would guess.
These are not and will never be acceptable words in the general vocabulary of a child but they must have learned them somewhere - watching inappropriate television, older siblings, older children at the park, and most worryingly from their parents and or other family members. (I recognise this is not true of all and hopefully most families.)
This year, in the lower junior class I have taught, I have dealt with several incidences of swearing where profanities have been shouted at other pupils on the school playground. When asked where they had heard it, all of these children openly stated that their parents said it "a lot" at home and, distressingly, sometimes to them. This makes it an acceptable word to use to these 7 year old children. It isn't. I acknowledge that perhaps on occasion it could have been overheard in conversations that children should not be party to but if there is a child in the house/nearby/within earshot my plea is just don't say it. Children mimic the adults closest to them as they learn and if what they hear is in a cross tone and includes swear words then this is how they learn to communicate with others. The children did apologise to their friends for the way they spoke to them but I can't help thinking that they probably wondered why they should apologise for their use of these words when they do not hear adults apologising to each other.
Swearing seems to have become commonplace. I went for dinner with a friend this evening. We spent two hours in each others company, had a lovely time, caught up with each others lives, congratulated and commiserated and did all of this without a single swear word from either of us. The people at the tables near to us did not manage this, despite the fact it was obvious that children were also in the restaurant and within earshot. Were they so caught up in their own existence that they didn't notice the children? Did they not care? Or perhaps it has become so much a part of their language use that they aren't aware they are saying it anymore? All are equally worrying behaviours.
I do not believe that swearing is necessary at all. I understand and accept that sometimes anger or frustration takes over and swear words are used (for want of a better phrase) for dramatic effect in adult conversation. However if they are used frequently, in most sentences and as a general part of vocabulary they lose their effect and purpose and therefore the swearing becomes pointless.
In any situation, however, children should not hear these words or feel it is acceptable to use them.
I do my very best to be a good role model for the children I teach and for the children (and, I suppose, adults) I encounter in my day to day life. I treat others as I would like to be treated and speak to people in the way I would like them to speak to me and I encourage others to do the same.
As a community we all have the shared responsibility to provide children, whether they are our own children or those of other people, with excellent role models.
(This post is linked to Amy Palko's Beautiful Beliefs project)
I often worry about children growing up now. No, this does not apply to every child in every situation but to many and often.
As a child I feel had excellent role models and I felt safe and protected at home and throughout my primary and secondary school years. I was spoken to and treated kindly and fairly and even when in trouble (which didn't happen often) I knew I was loved. Respect was earned, given and received by all. I fear this is not now the case. It is, I suppose, possible that this has always been true and that I only notice it now.
Today, as I walked the waggiest dog in the world, I found myself appalled by the conversation of the people walking behind me. In the two or three sentences I overheard there were at least 7 swear words. I wondered, "Can't you see there are children playing round here or do you simply not care?" As I turned the corner I looked over my shoulder to see the culprits and was horrified to discover that these were children. Around the age of 10 or 11 I would guess.
These are not and will never be acceptable words in the general vocabulary of a child but they must have learned them somewhere - watching inappropriate television, older siblings, older children at the park, and most worryingly from their parents and or other family members. (I recognise this is not true of all and hopefully most families.)
This year, in the lower junior class I have taught, I have dealt with several incidences of swearing where profanities have been shouted at other pupils on the school playground. When asked where they had heard it, all of these children openly stated that their parents said it "a lot" at home and, distressingly, sometimes to them. This makes it an acceptable word to use to these 7 year old children. It isn't. I acknowledge that perhaps on occasion it could have been overheard in conversations that children should not be party to but if there is a child in the house/nearby/within earshot my plea is just don't say it. Children mimic the adults closest to them as they learn and if what they hear is in a cross tone and includes swear words then this is how they learn to communicate with others. The children did apologise to their friends for the way they spoke to them but I can't help thinking that they probably wondered why they should apologise for their use of these words when they do not hear adults apologising to each other.
Swearing seems to have become commonplace. I went for dinner with a friend this evening. We spent two hours in each others company, had a lovely time, caught up with each others lives, congratulated and commiserated and did all of this without a single swear word from either of us. The people at the tables near to us did not manage this, despite the fact it was obvious that children were also in the restaurant and within earshot. Were they so caught up in their own existence that they didn't notice the children? Did they not care? Or perhaps it has become so much a part of their language use that they aren't aware they are saying it anymore? All are equally worrying behaviours.
I do not believe that swearing is necessary at all. I understand and accept that sometimes anger or frustration takes over and swear words are used (for want of a better phrase) for dramatic effect in adult conversation. However if they are used frequently, in most sentences and as a general part of vocabulary they lose their effect and purpose and therefore the swearing becomes pointless.
In any situation, however, children should not hear these words or feel it is acceptable to use them.
I do my very best to be a good role model for the children I teach and for the children (and, I suppose, adults) I encounter in my day to day life. I treat others as I would like to be treated and speak to people in the way I would like them to speak to me and I encourage others to do the same.
As a community we all have the shared responsibility to provide children, whether they are our own children or those of other people, with excellent role models.
(This post is linked to Amy Palko's Beautiful Beliefs project)
Wednesday 23 May 2012
Beautiful Beliefs 1
I believe that ...
being polite and having generally good manners is important. Saying please and thank you seems to be going out of fashion which saddens me.
From being very small we were encouraged and expected to use these simple phrases in our everyday lives. Being polite was and IS important. These simple words make a huge difference to how we perceive others and to how we are perceived.
At a dance rehearsal recently I assisted a young man (aged about 11ish I think) with his costume. I held onto his masks and cape so they were ready when he needed them and assisted him when he managed to get a huge knot in his cape tie. He was delightful and charming and at every given opportunity he said thank you to me (and with a huge smile) and when his co-star was struggling he came and said please could I help her, which, of course, I did.
This shouldn't have been so out of the ordinary but it was. I noticed it because it was unusual. I had helped several children that day, he was the only one who consistently said please and thank you and is someone I would not hesitate to help again.
When shopping the other day I was in the queue behind an older gentleman. He had finished putting his shopping on the conveyor belt so had (as I would do) put the "next customer please" sign behind his shopping. I said "Thank you". He turned and looked at me, genuinely surprised by this response, smiled a huge smile and said "You're welcome." I smiled back and continued to put up my shopping. As he left he smiled at me, nodded and said "Goodbye". I reciprocated. This was a very minor exchange, nothing in the great scheme of conversation, but both of us had our tedious shopping trips brightened by politeness and manners.
What an easy, cost free way to bring a little joy and make someone smile.
(This is linked to Amy Palko's Beautiful Beliefs project)
being polite and having generally good manners is important. Saying please and thank you seems to be going out of fashion which saddens me.
From being very small we were encouraged and expected to use these simple phrases in our everyday lives. Being polite was and IS important. These simple words make a huge difference to how we perceive others and to how we are perceived.
At a dance rehearsal recently I assisted a young man (aged about 11ish I think) with his costume. I held onto his masks and cape so they were ready when he needed them and assisted him when he managed to get a huge knot in his cape tie. He was delightful and charming and at every given opportunity he said thank you to me (and with a huge smile) and when his co-star was struggling he came and said please could I help her, which, of course, I did.
This shouldn't have been so out of the ordinary but it was. I noticed it because it was unusual. I had helped several children that day, he was the only one who consistently said please and thank you and is someone I would not hesitate to help again.
When shopping the other day I was in the queue behind an older gentleman. He had finished putting his shopping on the conveyor belt so had (as I would do) put the "next customer please" sign behind his shopping. I said "Thank you". He turned and looked at me, genuinely surprised by this response, smiled a huge smile and said "You're welcome." I smiled back and continued to put up my shopping. As he left he smiled at me, nodded and said "Goodbye". I reciprocated. This was a very minor exchange, nothing in the great scheme of conversation, but both of us had our tedious shopping trips brightened by politeness and manners.
What an easy, cost free way to bring a little joy and make someone smile.
(This is linked to Amy Palko's Beautiful Beliefs project)
Friday 13 April 2012
Out of Character Revisited
My missed opportunity ship that sailed may have returned.
This time possibly thwarted again but for different reasons.
Perhaps the universe is telling me something.
Perhaps it thinks this isn't a good idea.
Perhaps it's not.
Doesn't stop me wanting to give it a go though.
This time possibly thwarted again but for different reasons.
Perhaps the universe is telling me something.
Perhaps it thinks this isn't a good idea.
Perhaps it's not.
Doesn't stop me wanting to give it a go though.
Thursday 8 March 2012
Wondering
Sometimes I wonder if the grass is greener ...
I enjoy my job. I do. It gives me great pleasure to see the penny drop when a child learns he or she can do something they couldn't before, to listen to their conversations and to share their joy in the little things in life. Teaching young children is all I ever wanted to do (from the day I started school and met my first teacher - she was amazing).
However, recently I have been overwhelmed by how much my life has been taken over by my work. I knew before I trained that it was never going to be a 9 to 5 job. It never has been and never will be. Somehow it appears to have taken over my whole existence. When I'm not working I'm thinking about all the work I have to do that I've not done, thinking about particular children and how I can help them, worrying about whether what I have done is good enough. I wake up in the night thinking and worry about all these things. I'm exhausted.
I have wondered whether to change careers, something I never thought I'd wonder.
I have wondered whether to ask if I can go down to part time work and job share but I worry this will not be well received by the management team (I'm not sure I'm exhausted counts as a good reason) and I also wonder whether doing so would make any difference or whether I'd just have more hours to worry.
So I have been wondering a lot recently.
I enjoy my job. I do. It gives me great pleasure to see the penny drop when a child learns he or she can do something they couldn't before, to listen to their conversations and to share their joy in the little things in life. Teaching young children is all I ever wanted to do (from the day I started school and met my first teacher - she was amazing).
However, recently I have been overwhelmed by how much my life has been taken over by my work. I knew before I trained that it was never going to be a 9 to 5 job. It never has been and never will be. Somehow it appears to have taken over my whole existence. When I'm not working I'm thinking about all the work I have to do that I've not done, thinking about particular children and how I can help them, worrying about whether what I have done is good enough. I wake up in the night thinking and worry about all these things. I'm exhausted.
I have wondered whether to change careers, something I never thought I'd wonder.
I have wondered whether to ask if I can go down to part time work and job share but I worry this will not be well received by the management team (I'm not sure I'm exhausted counts as a good reason) and I also wonder whether doing so would make any difference or whether I'd just have more hours to worry.
So I have been wondering a lot recently.
Monday 16 January 2012
Out of Character
This week I very nearly did something so out of character that I shocked myself.
I didn't do it but I really considered it.
Through events and circumstances beyond my control the opportunity seems now to have passed me by. I'm made up that these events happened as it has made the day of a new friend but I'm sad as it seems to have cost me this opportunity. I'm not sure whether I would have taken up the offer or not but now I'm not sure whether to be pleased or regret that I didn't. It offered the chance to step completely outside my comfort zone and be someone else for a while. That was exciting. I thought about it so much last night I couldn't sleep.
I think, quite literally now, the boat has sailed.
I, for reasons that escape me, feel sad and a little let down. I'm also a little concerned that I have left myself vulnerable. Is that good or bad?
I have fallen from the dizzy heights of newness and excitement and have dropped with a bump back into my very ordinary life. A missed new venture perhaps ...
I didn't do it but I really considered it.
Through events and circumstances beyond my control the opportunity seems now to have passed me by. I'm made up that these events happened as it has made the day of a new friend but I'm sad as it seems to have cost me this opportunity. I'm not sure whether I would have taken up the offer or not but now I'm not sure whether to be pleased or regret that I didn't. It offered the chance to step completely outside my comfort zone and be someone else for a while. That was exciting. I thought about it so much last night I couldn't sleep.
I think, quite literally now, the boat has sailed.
I, for reasons that escape me, feel sad and a little let down. I'm also a little concerned that I have left myself vulnerable. Is that good or bad?
I have fallen from the dizzy heights of newness and excitement and have dropped with a bump back into my very ordinary life. A missed new venture perhaps ...
Sunday 1 January 2012
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